If you've travelled in Australia, you will know what goon is. Your liver will be quivering in fear and your head throbbing in anticipation.
Goon is cheap boxed wine that comes encased in a plastic bag covered in silver with a handy black plastic tap. It has been embraced by travellers across Australia as a cheaper alternative to, well, any other form of alcohol.
The love that visitors hold for goon stems from more than just the price. For a start, if you drop it, it won't smash. Goon is rarely drunk from a container, and if it is, there's an unwritten rule that this container should not, under any circumstances, be a glass. It just wouldn’t be right. Mugs, jars, jugs and teapots are all considered to be acceptable alternatives.
Another delightful advantage to this backpacker beverage of choice is that it can float. All you have to do is blow air into the half empty bag and it instantly becomes a portable drink for both dry land and the pool. This, of course, is not advised. Especially if you intend to consume an entire bag – also not advised.
The other thing that people love about goon is the versatility of the bag. You can:
1. Sleep on it
Now that the goon is finished and you undoubtedly feel the need to pass out, simply blow into the bag and make your very own pillow to rest your weary head. If you have a plethora of bags (hopefully not all consumed by you, or you might need to call an ambulance), you could take it to the next level and construct an entire bed.
2. Play with it
The inflated bag makes a great football, and it doesn't matter if you pop it. Although you can also use it as a volleyball, the tap can cause difficulties and it can be pretty painful if you catch it on your wrist. Or in your eye.
3. Camp with it
Goon bags can be very handy on camping trips. Once you have washed out the noxious liquid, it makes a great water container that can easily be packed away into a small place.
4. Protect your head
If you find yourself stuck on the beach without shade, the bag makes an excellent sun hat. The reflective properties of the silver coating make it a cool, if not completely stylish, respite for your head.
5. Make your own desert island Wilson
If you find yourself washed up on a deserted island, you can make yourself your very own friend.
6. Stick it in the walls
The properties of the goon bag mean that it actually makes a pretty good housing insulator.
7. Dress it up
Spaceman, robot or crash dummy. If you have a fancy dress party to attend and no money for a costume, you can customise your empty goon bags for a stellar outfit.
8. Float it
With masking tape and a supply of empty sacks you can construct your very own lilo. Alternatively, if you feeling as daring as these three English travellers, make a raft and sail across Sydney Harbour from Rushcutters Bay to Clarke Island and back again.
Caution Do not test the durability of goon bags by attaching them to your toddler as life savers.
No matter how you enjoy goon, or what creative thing you decide to use the bag for, you are guaranteed to wake up in the morning with a mouth that tastes like burnt vinegar and a headache that feels as though a gang of tiny elves are carrying out some kind of very heavy construction work on the inside your skull. All for less than $20.
Please drink responsibly.
