“It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.” – Douglas Adams
"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?" – Erma Bombeck
"The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'." – Hal Roach
“Don’t worry about the world ending today: it’s already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz
"I wouldn't mind dying for France, but not for Air France." – Charles de Gaulle after enduring a particularly bumpy flight
"Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965." – Jerry Seinfeld
"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train." – Oscar Wilde
"The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it." – GK Chesterton
"Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?" – Billy Connolly
"I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it." – Les Dawson
“Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens the conversations.” – Elizabeth Drew
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.” – Steve Martin
“Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.” – Al Gore
“Two great talkers will not travel far together.” – Spanish Proverb
"In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded." – Billy Connolly
“People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home.” – Dagobert D. Runes
“Kilometres are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometres.” – George Carlin
"You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you are grateful." – Paul Theroux
“I can’t think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything.” – Bill Bryson
“To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries.” – Aldous Huxley
“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.” – Henny Youngman
"Q: Does this train stop at Brighton? A: I hope so or there's going to be a hell of a splash." – Kenny Everett
"I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them." – Mark Twain
"There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home." – Stephen Colbert
“Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know – because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.” – Lewis Black
Main image: Lost baggage display, Phoenix Airport (Shutterstock)