24 funny (and insightful) quotes about travel

Some of the funniest people on the planet offer observations about travel that will make you laugh – and think.

6 mins

“It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.” – Douglas Adams

"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?" – Erma Bombeck

"The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'." – Hal Roach

“Don’t worry about the world ending today: it’s already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz

"I wouldn't mind dying for France, but not for Air France." – Charles de Gaulle after enduring a particularly bumpy flight

"Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965." – Jerry Seinfeld

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train." – Oscar Wilde

"The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it." – GK Chesterton

"Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?" – Billy Connolly

"I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it." – Les Dawson

“Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens the conversations.” – Elizabeth Drew

“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.” – Steve Martin

“Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.” – Al Gore

“Two great talkers will not travel far together.” – Spanish Proverb

"In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded." – Billy Connolly

“People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home.” – Dagobert D. Runes

“Kilometres are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometres.” – George Carlin

"You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you are grateful." – Paul Theroux

“I can’t think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything.” – Bill Bryson

“To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries.” – Aldous Huxley

“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.” – Henny Youngman

"Q: Does this train stop at Brighton? A: I hope so or there's going to be a hell of a splash." – Kenny Everett

"I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them." – Mark Twain

"There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home." – Stephen Colbert

“Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know – because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.” – Lewis Black

Main image: Lost baggage display, Phoenix Airport (Shutterstock)

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